So Emma, tell me about yourself.

I’m nineteen, I look twelve, and feel thirty-five. I’ll probably become best friends with your mom (not your dad, he’s an asshole) or your teacher or your gay uncle.

If you want to truly understand who I am at the core of my personality, read the following books: Tina Fey’s Bossypants, and Jill Soloway’s Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants. Don’t look too hard into the fact that “pants” is a part of both of those titles, because I actually really enjoy wearing dresses. But pants are a solid choice, too.

But I don’t have time to read those books right now. Give me an overview at least.

Well first off, if you haven’t read Bossypants, why the fuck are you even on my Tumblr? You’re in the wrong place. But anyway…

• I’m a sophomore at Columbia College Chicago, an art school in the heart of downtown Chicago
• I’m a Television Writing/Production major and will one day write the words that actors on TV will say and you’ll laugh at—or maybe even cry at, for that matter
• I’m also an improv student at iO, which is also pretty awesome because I get to learn from people who are much funnier than I
• I am a master of pop-culture, a walking television reference guide, with a fairly advanced vocabulary (though heavily peppered with expletives), and am one sarcastic motherfucker
• I aspire to be a combination of the following fantastic women: Rachel Griffiths, Tina Fey, Megan Mullally, Amy Poehler, Alice Ripley, Rachel Dratch, Mindy Kaling, Kay Cannon, Jill Soloway, and Patricia Clarkson
• I aspire to fuck the following men, either individually or all at once in a giant orgy: Peter Krause, Michael C. Hall, Jimmy Fallon, Eric McCormack, Alan Rickman, Nick Offerman, Dave Annable, Michael Fassbender, Jason Bateman, Jon Hamm, Gilles Marini, and Alexander Skarsgard
• I worship NBC with every fiber of my being, rainbow peacock for life! I will one day have an office in 30 Rock and I’ll grin and giggle uncontrollably with excitement every morning as I walk into work
• I really, really enjoy astrology. I’m a Gemini to the core and will over-analyze who you are based on your sign as soon as I find out your birthday. Holla at me fellow Geminis, Libras, Ariens, Taureans, Pisceans, Aquarians, and Leos, as I’ve found us to be compatible!
• I have gay guys in different area codes. I’m a fag-hag extraordinaire. Are you a gay man with extensive knowledge of Broadway, Real Housewives, and Dance Moms? Well, you’ve found your girl!
• Sometimes my lady hero Tina Fey, personally tells me which restaurants I should eat at, and I do.

You really seem to enjoy television. Maybe a bit too much. What are some of your favorite shows?

If you turn on my TV or creep through my Netflix/HBOGO/HuluPlus accounts (yes, I actually pay for HuluPlus) you will see that I spend a fair amount of time watching Six Feet Under, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Will and Grace, Arrested Development, American Horror Story, Happy Endings, Up All Night, New Girl, The Office, United States of Tara, Downton Abbey, Party Down, Modern Family, SNL, Curb Your Enthusiasm, True Blood, Big Love, Teen Mom, along with everything that has ever played on Bravo. 

Other than watching television, what do you do to relax?

I spend a lot of my free time singing to non-existent audiences, in stairwells and other areas where the acoustics are good. I’m sure people would listen to me sing (because I actually don’t have that bad of a voice) but I just can’t bring myself to do it in front of other people. I sing A LOT of Broadway, especially anything with Alice Ripley. Next to Normal is my favorite musical, ever. So there’s a lot of me flailing around pretending to be an ECT patient.

Okay, we get it. You’re a frustrated would-be Broadway performer. Anything else as far as music goes?

Aside from being the biggest Broadway nerd who isn’t actually studying theatre, I really do enjoy music quite a lot. A lot of indie lady singers, and folksy indie bands (The Decemberists, Mumford & Sons, Fleet Foxes, etc…) But not so indie hipster that you want to kill yourself because even you find yourself too pretentious. And you know what? I’m from Detroit, so I like my rap and hip hop. Want me to rap for you? Because I will.

No. We don’t want to hear that.

Fine. Your loss.

Wait, what do you even look like?

Like that, on my better days.

Anything else you want us to know?

Just ask. As my all-time favorite TV character, Brenda Chenowith, would say, “I’m an open book.”

And here are links to all of my various blogs:
Weight Loss Progress Blog / Fuck Yeah, Rachel Griffiths / Six Feet Under Caps / Personal Writing Blog